OH boy, HERE we go...
"Is MRS LILIEN gonna get all EMO on us right now...??" I'm sure is what some of you are thinking. Depending on who you are, what your story is, and what you've been drinking... this may be a relatable ditty worth reading.
CLEARLY, I've been on "hiatus". I can promise you it's not because I was off being fabulous + famous. Nor have I been hunkered down under FBI surveillance. Aside from (still) working on the restructuring of MRS LILIEN + The BRAND-AID, and moving from island to island, I've been, well... preoccupied. To be undeniably blunt, my life basically imploded and I've been grappling with the shrapnel that's left me otherwise utterly compromised. Said implosion took place some time ago, but it wasn't until recently that it delivered it's vehement blow. There wasn't a significant moment or new crippling discovery, it simply was just time. The running, island hopping and pre-occupation of daily life no longer kept my dark reality benign. Yes, I therapy-d, continued on with my pharmacon as prescribed. But this time, shit was different + I was NOT fine.
As a longtime struggler with mental wellness, this is a rather frightening place to exist. I was pissed, I became an unrelenting bitch, I completely checked out... I had officially slipped. All I wanted to do was rebel, punch things with a clenched fist, ignore my circumstances and refuse to submit. I was in the deep, reckless as reckless gets, I was very much aware of everything I was doing but I really didn't give a shit. All I wanted to do was escape, be numb and abscond from all responsibility. Allowing myself to revolt, and knowingly self-sabotage brought me perfect bliss + tranquility.
I held onto my silence for dear life, avoided everything and everyone allowing myself to completely self destruct. Anyone that tried to help me was pushed out, the door slammed shut. All of it, as sick and twisted as it sounds felt so GOOD. Self destruction was my new BFF and together, holding hands as a united front, there we stubbornly stood. Never in my life had I taken such a huge and dedicated leap to the dark side. What foreign territory it has been, but such a perfect place to run and hide. Alone, I desperately hoped I could quietly disappear into the land of the forgotten, a safe place no one could ever find. It was, and still (at times) remains my pipe dream of ultimate safety. This my friends is my truth, my honest to goodness, bonafide CRAZY. It makes my shameful heart so incredibly heavy to share my very personal battle on such an open podium. Especially since I'm known to most of you as a ray of delight that beams from a glittering utopia.
The jarring wake-up calls began flooding my safety compound and were only getting louder and louder. My current state of affairs, the loss of everything I had professionally worked so hard to achieve, my family + my life were hanging by a thread, the realness couldn't have been profounder. It was then that I stopped, looked around and realized the immense mayhem that I had inflicted. I took a huge step back into the shoes of those living in reality and saw through their eyes that I'd shackled myself to ruin and was truly all but diminished.
As a human who's sunk to the darkest, abysmal seas during my entire lifetime, more times than I'd like to recount, this has been one of the most frightening places I've lingered around. I'm known by the select few I choose to keep close as a glittering soul who's wildly resilient. To be a warrior worthy of slaying any beast, no matter how frightening + ominous. However over the the last two years that 'warrior' has diminished into shadows of the lost + anonymous. I have only just recently realized the repercussions of my invisible, gut-wrenching, vacancy. Reality sure comes crashing down when your business account is empty, your assistant quits, your friend passes away and you're dropped by your management agency. There is far more to this saga, however my wise mother always said 'a lady must always keep sacred pain, a mystery.' It is in these 'falling to your hands and knees' moments of agony that life puts on the pressure. The two choices offered are either sink deeper into your frightful abyss or rise like a fuqing golden phoenix.
The few that are still aboard my mini vessel are those that truly love + support me, and those of course that have no choice. If you're reading this, you know who you are... it is through your unwavering support, love, loyalty + trust in which I thankfully + gratefully rejoice. It is because of you that I am still here. I hold each of you so close, and so very, very dear.
I don't have everything figured out, nor are my broken pieces put all back together. And while I may never know or live in perfect harmony, I know that giving up is not an option. While contemplated many a time, I can admirably admit that I've chosen to RISE. Out of dire hopelessness I created The BRAND-AID, and dug as deep as I could to bring The MRS back to life. YES, both still need work, I have a huge list of things to complete; I'm aware of all the missing links, the glitches and everything in between. Once the site is polished and as perfectly non-perfect as it will be I'll send out that promised MEGA MRS LAUNCH announcement. I know that so many of you signed up to be the first to know when I went live, pardon my pause while I acquaint myself with the task of two, now as a woman of one.
Now that I've bared my vulnerable soul to all who are still reading, I want you to know that I did this for a very good reason. I needed to acknowledge and reconcile my disappearance publicly BUT more so for myself. While I truly LOATH spotlighting, the self-proclaimed mental wellness advocate in me was dedicated to NOT hiding my fragility by putting it away on a shelf. Instead, I chose to bare my struggle out loud in hopes that my own personal lifelong battle might strike a cord with another struggling soul out there. I'm NOT a mental wellness guru, there are days I can't put one foot in front of the other, these moments are crippling. I have moments where I BEG on hands and knees for mercy, I can only imagine how brutal it must be for the few that think of me let alone stay up at night with worry. For the select few that do, and you know who you are.... please just have faith in me and know that I will rise again like I alway do.
Lastly, to anyone STILL reading..... let me bring this full circle. When you are in the depths of the YOUR darkest deep + lonely... sit with it, let the tears flow. For it is through these brutal moments that you'll learn more about life than any existentialism college course could ever bestow. There lies such a deep importance of sitting with your stillness, with your agony + your pain. For the stronger we emerge from such heinous darkness, the wiser + better we are at doing life and helping others in similar situations. No one said it was easy, and even this "MRS" has lived a far less glittering life than what has been portrayed. The glam moments aside, I've lived a life of an unrelentingly punished person. Yet, always buoyant, I pull the safety cord and rise back to the top with my chin up. It's the fighter in me that refuses to succumb to my own failure and disappointment. But, after so many times, it catches up to you and the ability to pull that cord becomes more and more difficult. Through the madness of it all, I've learned the importance of stillness and sitting with defeat. It's in these horrifyingly dark times that my inner flame re-ignites and the hurt of my heart causes the spark in me to revive + reheat. I can't predict the future, and I refuse to live in the past. All I know is what is in front of me is a gift, struggles and all, it's everything I have.
Good vibes + positive energy welcome. I'm grateful for all of you who've remained enthusiastically here. Fret not, the glitter, light + stardust will continue. This post NEEDED to happen for SO sooooo many reasons, I'm proud of myself for being so open, honest + public with god knows who.... I needed to this more than I needed air + I thank you for reading this far through. HIGH manicured TENS all around. Let's meet up again on something non-sad, but rather fabby and profound.
I LOVE YOU ALL